Marriage Therapy for Later-Life Relationships

Are you a grandparent? It’s not too late to go to a marriage counsellor.

Key points:

As the National Grandparent Movement’s Ian Barnett puts it, “married life, like most of life, has particular seasons… It doesn’t somehow get easier if you’ve been married 20 or 30 years. For many couples, it can get harder.”

Ian encourages older couples to see counselling as growth, not failure: “We want to get better at this thing called marriage.”

Ian encourages older couples to see counselling as growth, not failure: “We want to get better at this thing called marriage.”

Professional help is for any age

When Hope 103.2’s Ben McEachen asks if counselling for grandparents is “a thing,” Ian’s answer is clear: yes.

He points to relationship counselling available for older couples (including services through Anglicare) and books that speak to changing seasons in marriage.

“I would encourage people to actually check those things out. There are also books about how you navigate each season of married life,” Ian says, highlighting Gary Chapman’s The Four Seasons of Marriage as well as Chapman’s well-known classic The 5 Love Languages.

“My wife and I have done counselling… we’ve done a number of marriage courses… If you don’t set aside time, sadly, [issues] just get glossed over until a point in time happens,” Ian shares.

“My wife and I have done counselling… If you don’t set aside time, sadly, [issues] just get glossed over until a point in time happens,”

Honest reflection and real change

A common hurdle is simply getting started. “It’s really hard… when you start to reflect or analyse, you may have to change. Therein lies the problem,” Ian says.

He notes that whatever isn’t faced earlier “you do carry it on into your… later years.”

Ben reflects that some couples only consider help when a big issue surfaces.

“Let’s all admit that you need to do something, okay? And the something might depend on what’s happening,” Ian says.

“Let’s all admit that you need to do something, okay? And the something might depend on what’s happening.”

Don’t let problems fester

Drawing on timeless relationship wisdom, Ian shares a practice that’s helped in his own marriage: “One of the most helpful pieces of marriage advice comes from Ephesians 4 about not letting the sun go down on your anger… You can’t ignore it. These things in life you cannot ignore.”

Practical first steps can be simple and kind: “The best thing you can do if you haven’t wrestled with an issue is to be honest and to say to your husband or wife, look, there is something we need to talk about… I’d like you to extend grace to me as I try and say the things I need to say.”

“One of the most helpful pieces of marriage advice comes from Ephesians 4 about not letting the sun go down on your anger… You can’t ignore it.”

Counselling with care and purpose

Ian recommends seeking a qualified professional when possible: “I’d probably encourage people to think about someone who’s a professional counsellor… someone who’s actually gone through a process of being able to listen to the issue [and] provide a helpful way forward.”

And for those hesitant to begin, he offers reassurance: “If you can find value in actually sharing lovingly and graciously and opening lines of communication and listening and showing love… that’s a great thing.”

Listen to this episode of the GrandParenthood podcast in the player above or wherever you get your podcasts.

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