By: Paul Coughlin
During my dating years, I heard a husband respond to his wife in such a gentle and humorous way that it didnât even appear he had corrected her at all.
“Honey,” his wife had said, “I need you to pick up our neighboursâ newspaper for the next four days, which I told them I would do.”
With a slight smile and a warm tone, the man said to her at the crowded dinner table, “Sweetie, I think that people who make commitments should keep their commitments.”
He held eye contact with her, his warm smile lingered and everyone at the table smiled as well, including his sprightly wife. With the added lubricant of humour, this wise and gentle man spoke the truth but said it kindly.
He could have lashed out with his tongue and pronounced the hard truth to her, as so many newlyweds do. He could have talked about her being unreliable, about how she had done this to him before. (She had.) Instead, he spoke the truth with an appealing tone and a dollop of winsome wit.
His response corrects a common misconception about the art and practice of marital gentleness, which many people think means caving in to a spouseâs demands. True gentleness is powerful â the kind of power that is respectful yet free to disagree. It does not return an insult for an insult but speaks the truth even if itâs unpleasant.
Gentle spouses express their will, but they donât force it upon others. Instead of yelling, “Iâm sick and tired of your making commitments that you expect me to keep,” a gentle spouse appeals to decency and fair play.
But to some of us, gentleness is a foreign language. We didnât grow up hearing it, so we donât speak it in marriage. Nowhere is this deficiency more evident than when discussing important marital matters.
How a conversation begins often determines whether it will succeed or fail. Gentle conversation starters help us resolve our problems without hurting our spouse:
“What Iâm about to say may be difficult for us to talk about, but we need to because itâs important.”
“I know that you see things differently than I do, but Iâd like to try finding some common ground.”
“This isnât going to be easy for me to talk about, so if I donât get my words right, please give me a chance to do so.”
Since gentleness doesnât always come naturally, my wife and I have set a simple guideline that protects this virtue: When possible, we donât discuss important matters after 9 p.m. When we didnât follow this guideline, our weariness at the end of the day made us prone to hurtful words.
Sometimes love means causing discomfort for the health of your marriage. But even during these tense moments, we have a choice: We can be honest without being gentle, which is like performing surgery without anesthesia â it gets the job done, but it causes unnecessary pain and brooding resentment. Or, we can be truthful and tender, which protects our spouseâs dignity and preserves marital intimacy.
Gentleness in marriage is much like a flexible but powerful backbone; it supports the entire skeleton exactly because it is not too rigid. Everyone loves a gentle spouse because he speaks and acts with such strength that he does not feel the need to yell. Or whimper.
Throw in some light humour, and you may leave others with an example of marital gentleness that will last a lifetime.
Â© Focus on the Family. All rights reserved. International copyright secured. Used by permission.
Article supplied with thanks to Focus on the Family Australia.
About the Author: Paul hosts a radio talk show on KDOV in southern Oregon and is the author of “No More Christian Nice Guy” and “Married But Not Engaged: Why Men Check Out and What Your Can Do to Create the Intimacy You Desire.” Focus on the Family provides relevant, practical support to help families thrive in every stage of life.
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